"NO MORE QUESTIONS, PLEASE" | by Writer and Blogger of cashmereandmint.com, Casius Monet. You may call her "Monet".
Edited for context as published on nwagirlgang.com.
I want to share something that has been on my heart. As a tax professional and with tax season starting, I get asked multiple times each day “when are you having kids?” or “when are you giving your parents some grandbabies?”. The tax office that I work in, is our family business. Do these clients feel so inclined to ask because they know my parents and family so well? Does that make it okay? In fact it’s a question I was asked today. So let’s have a little real talk about family planning and fertility.
I know this question doesn’t come from a place of malice, but it’s absolutely time to stop asking women this! I live a pretty public lifestyle- you can find out a whole lot about me, but family planning is just not something I want to share in detail with every person I speak to! Having a child is one of the most important and intimate choices a woman will make in her life- yet somehow, we have decided it is socially acceptable to ask this of strangers, co-workers, or even our tax preparer! It has got to stop.
Last year I was told repeatedly by women that I don’t really know, and who definitely don’t know my health history that I was being “selfish” by not giving my parents grandchildren immediately. I was told that my husband might cheat if I didn’t give him children (even though he has three amazing children and we obviously discuss family planning). When I expressed that we are considering adoption I was asked “but don’t you want your own children?”
So let’s change that conversation- instead of asking “when are you having kids?” try asking “do you have any exciting plans in the next few months?” Before asking about someone’s plan for childbearing stop to consider that 1 in 8 women will struggle with infertility. You can read more about fertility facts, here. Consider that even those that don’t struggle with infertility might have personal reasons for not having children. Understand that asking about a woman’s family plan is the equivalent of a stranger asking you for your credit score or who you voted for- it’s a deeply personal and inappropriate question!
If curiosity is killing the cat and you insist on asking such a personal question, receive the answer without judgement and without your opinions. On behalf of all women who have been shamed for their family planning choices- unless you plan on birthing, financially and emotionally supporting, and raising the child you are asking about- keep your opinion to yourself!
I am lucky to never have had a struggle with fertility. I am confident that if kids are in my future they will be adopted, loved, and all our own. I am blessed to have a partner that has always been on the same page as I am about family planning. Yet I have so many friends that are struggling, unsupported, and deserve the space to make intimate choices without input from the outside world. So stop asking, it’s not your business and it’s not a casual conversation starter. It’s personal.
READ MORE from Monet on her blog HERE.
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ABOUT | Casius Monet
Tax Professional , Blogger, and Apothecary Owner/Maker.
"Hey, I'm Casius Monet. I’m into living passionately, cultivating my best self, and living a really abundantly full life." - Monet